A small gesture... For Myself!

The truth is, is that I've never known how to manage my finances. Friends who have watched me buy things I could not afford or struggle with my feast and famine tendencies for the last twenty years, can attest to this. It has been my determination for the last seven years to work out my finances. I can say, finally, that I've made some progress. I am not a crazy spender anymore... This Christmas, I decided to spend most of my present money on Amir, who passionately believes in Santa Clause and getting most of his Christmas list, and then decided to buy Ayende, Leo and myself one thing each. I bought myself the entire Twilight series in hardback, but then Breaking Dawn was quickly claimed by Julieta, and New Moon was quickly taken by Amir. So, I'm left with Twilight and Eclipse (which I'm reading for the second time). I'll borrow Amir's, Breaking Dawn, when I'm done. So here is the small gesture for myself. Because the physical toll of having a newborn weighs on me everyday, I take a super, duper hot bath every night. It relieves the aches and pains. I usually read magazines in the tub, but am reluctant to do so now, after I discovered the flakes of print peel off of the pages when I get it wet. So the other night, I was tempted to take my brand new, hardback Eclipse book in the tub. Something inside of me, that voice that instructs us on acceptable behavior, resisted taking this brand new beauty into my steaming bath because the pages would shrivel and the cover would bend with humidity. As I make so many adult adjustments to what I am "supposed to do", which I will gladly do, because that is what is good for my marriage and my children, this particular should do, just seemed not worth it. I got my book, took off the dust cover, eased myself into the tub that turned my legs bright red, and with soaking hands, grabbed my book, making sure to leave wet hand prints on the front and back cover, and rebelliously turned the pages, making sure to get the corners nice and wet. This morning, I picked up my book and noticed the front cover was hopelessly contorted, and it was hard to find what page I was on because most of the pages are creased or withered now. I felt happy. While most of my life is shared with those closest to me, my small gesture of taking my brand new book into the bath, and its resulting condition, remind me that there are still parts of my life, which are my own. I get to do whatever I want to do with those spaces and I have to answer to no one.