10 digit Portrait

my eyes open
Ayende cooing
balancing act begins

Leo next
Then Amir, Then Garrett call
Five arrive for weekly chanting

nine people in the house
they fill-up, one by one they leave
I do too
finally, arrive to write

I'm back... from "la cotidianidad", from the street, from the outside, back to "La Loba". How will I create my chain to string across my driveway, that says, don't walk up this driveway, definitely don't knock on my door, because I am in my room, with my key and definitely do not want to be disturbed. Clarissa... the stone child is calling.

A few of my favorite things about breastfeeding...or not!

Ayende










Washing breast pump equipment in warm, soapy water...







Boiling for five minutes...















Drying...

















Eating nutritious meals

Departures...

I cry. Knew this moment was coming intellectually, had no idea how my heart would react. Sunday night, 6pm. Must get Ayende’s things ready for daycare tomorrow. His first day. Buy the carseat base for Leo’s car. HELLO? Sunday night. All of the stores close at 7pm. Google: Peg Pérego Car Seat Base. Craigslist LA posting in Pasadena. Car seat base AND car seat for $50.00. Buy it. Run to Vons. Forget Babies R’ Us for now. Go down the baby aisle. Happy to be there! I HAVE A BABY!!! After three months, I still have to remember to be in the moment. Look into the dark eyes. Touch the soft skin. Caress the small head. Kiss on the lips. I made him. I’m still making him with my milk.

I write Aunty Moo a note: “Aunty Moo, Here is my precious baby boy Ayende! Please handle him with love, embraces, milk, laughter, rocking and joy. You are now part of our family as a caretaker of Ayende. Welcome to the journey. Here are a few treats for the way… Sincerely, Angelina, Ayende’s Mom.” I include alphabet vanilla cookies and tea biscuits. I cry, hard, as I write it. My heart is overwhelmed with emotion.

Then I write to Carmen: " Amiga, I need your encouragement right now. Ayende is going to his first day of daycare tomorrow and my heart is breaking. I'm not worried, just feel sad that my beautiful boy will be in someone else's arms tomorrow. I know this is my rite of passage, but the grief is a tidal wave drowning my heart. Love you sis and know you understand."

Carmen writes back: "Just got home from a birth dear heart, so did not see this yesterday. I more than understand sister heart. But we know from the last time that this is the best thing for you and your family in the long run. Hold on sister. I will be sending tons of love your way today and will also light a candle for you."

I sit in the office filling out final paperwork for Leo to take to Aunti Moo, the daycare provider, and sob quietly. I don't want Amir or Leo to hear me. I feel stupidly out of control. I walk to the living room to add last things to what seems like Ayende's luggage for a trip abroad. I eventually get in bed with Ayende. Suddenly his soft skin smells like the best thing on earth to me. He looks like the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. I gladly offer him milk and hold him oh, so close. And I tell myself that I have to trust. I must trust, or this will never work. I fall asleep with baby in my arms.

A small gesture... For Myself!

The truth is, is that I've never known how to manage my finances. Friends who have watched me buy things I could not afford or struggle with my feast and famine tendencies for the last twenty years, can attest to this. It has been my determination for the last seven years to work out my finances. I can say, finally, that I've made some progress. I am not a crazy spender anymore... This Christmas, I decided to spend most of my present money on Amir, who passionately believes in Santa Clause and getting most of his Christmas list, and then decided to buy Ayende, Leo and myself one thing each. I bought myself the entire Twilight series in hardback, but then Breaking Dawn was quickly claimed by Julieta, and New Moon was quickly taken by Amir. So, I'm left with Twilight and Eclipse (which I'm reading for the second time). I'll borrow Amir's, Breaking Dawn, when I'm done. So here is the small gesture for myself. Because the physical toll of having a newborn weighs on me everyday, I take a super, duper hot bath every night. It relieves the aches and pains. I usually read magazines in the tub, but am reluctant to do so now, after I discovered the flakes of print peel off of the pages when I get it wet. So the other night, I was tempted to take my brand new, hardback Eclipse book in the tub. Something inside of me, that voice that instructs us on acceptable behavior, resisted taking this brand new beauty into my steaming bath because the pages would shrivel and the cover would bend with humidity. As I make so many adult adjustments to what I am "supposed to do", which I will gladly do, because that is what is good for my marriage and my children, this particular should do, just seemed not worth it. I got my book, took off the dust cover, eased myself into the tub that turned my legs bright red, and with soaking hands, grabbed my book, making sure to leave wet hand prints on the front and back cover, and rebelliously turned the pages, making sure to get the corners nice and wet. This morning, I picked up my book and noticed the front cover was hopelessly contorted, and it was hard to find what page I was on because most of the pages are creased or withered now. I felt happy. While most of my life is shared with those closest to me, my small gesture of taking my brand new book into the bath, and its resulting condition, remind me that there are still parts of my life, which are my own. I get to do whatever I want to do with those spaces and I have to answer to no one.

Blue Moon

Driving to abuelita's to make buñuelos... We get on the 5 from the 110... It is, as my Mom used to say, "bumper to bumper". We get off on Broadway and then head south on Spring Street. Trying to figure out if we're going to get on the 101 to the 5 and Leo says, with a twinkle in his eye, "Or do you just want to take 7th to Santa Fe?" Might as well have said, "Or do you want to take a trip down memory lane?" We get to Alameda and 7th and I first see a sign that says, "Legalize LA". Wow, that's deep, I think. Then as we turn, it says, "American Apparel, una compañia rebelde". Hmmm. I thought they were a sweatshop, or accused of being one, Leo says that they probably still are but just have better ventilation or lighting. Hmmm. Weird. Next up. Greyhound Station and all of the Crucero buses sitting in the yard. Wow. It's been A LONG time since I've been on a Greyhound bus or have taken one of the Crucero buses to catch a bus or plane in Tijuana. We turn from 7th street onto Santa Fe and that is when I see the glorious full moon, and a Blue Moon at that. We haven't had a Blue Moon on New Year's Eve in twenty years. Leo pulls over, Amir and Ayende, snoring in the backseat, and I snap a picture. As we continue driving down Santa Fe on New Year's Eve, a man holding a huge piñata and waiting for the bus, I see a fireman in the window of the Vernon firestation washing dishes, Leo tells me about the article in the LA Times today that described the Florencia gang and the neighborhood, "Man. The way they described it was like hell. I went to school with some of those guys and I know their neighborhood and it is not like they describe it in the paper." Reminds me of when I asked Ana Marina about living in El Salvador during the war and she said, it was no big deal, you just lived day by day. So, is it as bad as an outsider says it is? Or is it nuestra cotidianidad misunderstood by an outsider? Avoiding either the drunk drivers or the clowns who don't know how to drive, we finally get to South Gate, where I proceed to stand for the next four hours, frying buñuelos, talking men and religion with my sister-in-laws and convincing my five year old that he really does not need a DS and they're really not that cool... Feliz Año Nueve compañeros... Our Blue Moon is a sign of all of the unusual prosperity that we will all enjoy in 2010.

How it started...

Amir's birthday is two months away. Researching a "Super Mario Bros" birthday party and come across "Jacobson 5" blog on how this mother did the party. I wrote her to ask her how she did a particular piece from her pictures and had to sign it to my google account to post the comment. I did so, and when I finished, it said, "Start your own blog." INCREDIBLE. Joyce, Coco, Leo... So many have encouraged me to do this... And I've been chanting about it... And voila, an instruction as simple as "Start your own blog." Two nights ago, Coco asked me if I considered blogging and I said no. She told me that she was also struggling with the concept, but then went on to tell me about an interview where Alice Walker talked about her initiation into blogging. It left me thinking... So here it is. My first blog. The universal law is funny that way. You make the determination (the cause) and the gears start turning in your favor (the effect), and then it all falls into place. "So what will you use this space for?" Leo asks. It will be my journal where= Buddhism, education, literature, current events, history, family, culture, language, class, and personal reflections intersect... Abrazos y gracias por participar...